Deer Editor - by Christine Shesler and Harriet Ritter    -    Sent to Madison Eagle but not published

5/4/2003

Deer Editor,

            This is a letter of apology to the people of Madison, and an explanation about the unfortunate incidents of the morning of April 29.   I feel there’s been a misunderstanding and it behooves us to get to the bottom of it.          

            The herd and I have appreciated Madison’s hospitality.  We’ve enjoyed the delicious things you put in your yards for us to eat every year, and have been touched by the way you’ve reached out to us from your cars to offer us rides, especially at night.  (We apologize for any damage caused by our clumsiness – we just can’t seem to get a handle on that ‘freeze-in the-headlights’ thing.   It’s like going to sleep for an instant and - BANG! -  the next thing you know, Cousin Irving has had some sort of spasm and all that’s left of him are his antler-prints on someone’s Impala)  But I digress; back to April 29.      

            I decided to do my banking early that morning in downtown Madison.  All I wanted was to use the ATM machine, but I’m afraid someone thought I planned to rob the bank!  I can understand the misconception, but on my honor, I was only trying to get inside.  You see, I have no opposable thumbs, so I ran headlong into the door - after all, you could see right through it.  To my horror, glass shattered, bells began to ring and my hindquarters were bleeding!  I was on the horns of a dilemma!

            It was obvious that I wouldn’t be able to get any doe at this bank, but I decided not to waste the trip downtown.  I bounded across the street to check out the carpets, since ours looks so offal after a winter like the one we just had.  Unfortunately this only led to more glass, bells, and blood.  I was just admiring a moss-colored shag when I saw your blue-suited people with guns, and their frightening dogs.  I must admit that I panicked when I saw the dogs; they are among our worst enemies.  I ran back home to the herd with my whitetail between my legs, and stayed in bed for four days.  I’m still sore from the injuries to my backside, but am healing nicely.  My nose grows cooler and wetter by the day.

            I realized that I’ve misjudged my readiness for participation in your urban rituals, and my herd-mates agree that they might have made the same mistakes.  Although we’ve spent time in your wonderful community, we’re just country folk at heart and not used to the complexities of urban life, but we’re willing to learn.

            In the name of peaceful coexistence our leader, Daddy Bigbuck, would be willing to meet with your Downtown Manager.  Our weekly Graze-ette says that she is a human who reaches out to others, and perhaps she could help us learn the ways of your herd.  We would be most comfortable meeting at the Elks Club – they have always been supportive friends and we have much in common beneath the antlers. 

            One more thing: we were shocked recently to learn that Madison residents consider our noshing habits a problem.  This is news to us!   To facilitate community relations, let us recommend the website www.mydeergarden.com.  You will find lists of plants that we deer hate, (although I can’t imagine why you’d want them) and strategies for sending us elsewhere , like your neighbor’s yard.  Fine with us!  I sincerely hope we can work this out. 

I chose to share my thoughts with you, an Eagle, knowing that a fellow woodland creature would be kind and sympathetic.  I know you will be fair.

Fawndly,

The Deer

(transcribed by Christine Shesler and Harriet Ritter)

973-966-1932

644 words