I’m so glad you’re both home for a while this summer.
During this time when we’re all living under the same roof again, I’ve
noticed a few things that make me realize my parenting job needs a few
finishing touches - just a tweak here and there. Things like the
uncapped toothpaste tube on the bathroom counter, and empty ice trays
in the freezer.
It’s not that I have a problem with any of these things. In fact, the
more “empty-nest” I get, the more endearing some of your little messes
are. Friendly guitars and book bags sit on the living room furniture
like honored guests. It almost feels good to see that I’ve been
sitting on the shirt you wore two days ago and left on the couch,
pushed down between the cushions - just like old times, eh? Did I
really say that?
It isn’t that you have no manners; in fact, you both seem to know very
well the right things to do, and when to do them. Most importantly,
you understand that the reason for courtesy is kindness and
thoughtfulness, to put the people around you at ease.
I wouldn’t be doing my job, though, if I didn’t go over some of the
missing points that apparently got lost in the shuffle. They may be
important to you in the future, and if they aren’t, no harm done.
I understand that you feel comfortable at home and that all the rules
are a little looser. It’s just like when you were toddlers and saved
your tantrums for home, because you felt safe. I’m glad you’re
comfortable here, and your score on the etiquette exam doesn’t matter
to me at all - I’m just happy to be with you. But as we used to say
when you were little, what if you get invited to the White House for
dinner some day, and don’t know how to behave, or which piece of
silverware to use? What if all the foreign dignitaries and government
officials are staring at you with disdain for the faux pas you just
performed with a butter knife? What if the First Lady is forced to do
an Eleanor Roosevelt and drink up from the finger bowl to make you
feel comfortable, because you thought your finger bowl was an exotic
beverage container? Then won’t you wish you’d known the rules? Well,
I’m here to give you a little refresher.
When you were just little folk we used to have fun with oral quizzes
about table manners. They were multiple choice and as ridiculous as we
could make them. Remember these?
(1.) How do you eat soup in polite company?
(a.) Take a deep breath and slam your face into the bowl, sucking the
soup in as quickly as possible.
(b.) Empty your water glass on the floor, scoop the soup out with it
and pour it down your throat. A gargling sound enhances the
experience.
(c.) Use the larger spoon in the table setting to scoop the soup away
from yourself, and carefully bring the filled spoon to your mouth,
sipping noiselessly.
(2.) What do you do if you accidentally drop food on the napkin in
your lap?
(a.) Pick the morsel up and wave it around shouting “Hey everybody,
look what I found in my lap.”
(b.) Use your spoon to remove the bit from your napkin and place it
quietly on the edge of your plate, without comment.
(c.) Slowly lower your hand to your lap and let your fingers assume
the marble-shooting position. Then fire the chunk off under the table,
toward someone else’s lap. Quiet is of the essence.
(3.) What do you do when you’ve been served something at dinner that
you absolutely can’t stand to eat?
(a.) Say loudly, “Oh no, not that. Don’t you have anything else?” Say
this in a whiney voice.
(b.) Have an accident. Hit the plate with your elbow so the offending
food flips up in the air and lands on the floor. Say, “Oops, guess I
can’t eat that.”
(c.) Try to eat a small amount; you might find you like it. If that’s
not possible, just leave the food on your plate without comment and
eat everything else. If your host asks if something was wrong with the
dish, say regretfully, “Not at all. It looks delicious but it never
agrees with me when I eat it.”
Times have changed, though, and I’m thinking about situations that are
more likely. You probably won’t be invited to a weekend foxhunt with
Lord and Lady Dimpleton, but you may be a guest at the home of a
friend, or even someone you’re in love with. There may be parents
involved. You don’t even need to be a houseguest - being considerate
is just as important when you’re hanging around with friends, and can
be one of the things that make you and everyone else comfortable and
free to enjoy yourselves.
So what are good manners? Letitia Baldridge said, “Kindness and good
manners are the same.” That explanation makes it all sensible, and
much easier. Actually, the key is empathy; thinking about how it would
feel to be the other person - the friend, the host or hostess.
When meals are being prepared or other household work is being done,
it’s nice to help. Don’t just ask if you can help; be specific. Ask if
you can make the salad, or fold the towels. Better yet, just join your
friend in whatever he or she is doing. After a meal, when you’re sure
everybody’s finished, don’t ask; just start taking the dishes away
from the table. Also, don’t ask if you can wash the dishes; just do
it.
How well you know people determines what you do if dishes need to be
put away. If you know them fairly well - the people, not the dishes -
just open the cabinets, and dive in. Look for dishes similar to the
ones you’re working with, and follow the storage pattern. If you run
across something unexpected, like a photo of your friend in a
compromising position - although why it would be in a kitchen cabinet,
I can’t imagine – pretend you didn’t see it.
If you don’t know the people very well, ask if they prefer that you
rummage around in their cabinets or if they’d rather you just leave
the dishes on the counter. Maybe they have compromising pictures in
their kitchen cabinets, too, or a suggestive cream and sugar set. I’ve
run into a few people who get really upset if a dish is put away in
the wrong place, but as far as I’m concerned, you can put my dishes
away anywhere except the garage. The key is not to ask if you can
help, because most people will say ‘no,’ trying to be polite. Just
pitch in. It’s more fun.
There may be an occasional exception. I’ve heard of people who really
don’t want anyone else in the kitchen. A couple of my relatives were
like that and I still have no idea why. I’m sure you have the judgment
to tell when this is the case and will refrain from wrestling someone
to the ground for a chance to participate in cheese grating or
whatever they’re doing.
A very important place, whether you’re a guest in someone’s house, or
at home with your family, is the bathroom. Men and boys, put that seat
down when you’re done. Everybody: don’t snoop. It isn’t nice.
Towels should always be hung up to dry after use, not left in a heap
on the floor. If you’re in someone else’s house, you can hang your
towel and washcloth in your room on something that won’t be damaged by
the damp cloth, or find a separate place in the bathroom, like over
the shower rod. It’s OK to ask your friend’s preference. Many people
with cootie issues dislike having the guest’s towels and washcloths
mixed up with the family’s, so stay away from the family towel bars
unless you’re told otherwise.
Hair in the bathroom can be revolting if people aren’t responsible for
their own. You know that tumbleweed that accumulates around the bath
or shower drain? Take it out when you’re finished bathing and put it
in the trash. Getting ready to take a shower and having to remove
somebody else’s hair can ruin even the most luxurious bathing
experience. Just as ugly is hair left in a bar of soap - no, maybe
it’s worse, because it has to be dug out. So, be sure to dig your own
hair out of the soap.
Other bits of bathroom courtesy are not leaving toothpaste blobs,
whiskers or hair on the sink. Leaving all of them together could be
disgusting enough to end a relationship. Less nauseating but still
important: never leave a lake of water on the counter or on the
bathroom floor. Is there a good reason? You bet there is. It’s usually
me entering the room next in my sock feet, which will be instantly
soaked.
If you’re at home, or if you’re away and your host has invited you to
share shampoo or some other item, don’t leave an empty shampoo bottle
in the shower. This indicates to the next customer that there’s
“product” left in the container, and he or she could bruise a hand
banging on it to get the last little drips out. If you’ve just emptied
the container yourself, either throw the bottle away, or set it out on
the counter to let the purchasing agent know that the supply is out.
If you throw the bottle away, remember to tell your host, or family
member, that shampoo needs to be on the shopping list. In fact, if you
know where the shopping list is, write it down yourself. If it was the
person before you who left an empty, be a good sport and take care of
it.
Making your bed every day while you’re staying at somebody else’s
house is a nice thing to do. Some hosts won’t care, but some will, and
it’s a small thing. When you’re leaving after having been an overnight
guest, it’s nice to remove the bedding and put it in a neat bundle on
a chair in the bedroom. This makes it easy for your host to take it
all to the washer. Add your towels and washcloth to the bundle, too.
Leave the top blanket and the pillows on the bed, spreading the
blanket out and covering the pillows, if possible. This way you leave
the bedroom looking neat as a sign of your appreciation for the
hospitality. None of the above applies if you’ve passed out overnight
on the couch at somebody’s house, though it is considerate to poof up
the couch pillows before you go.
Depending on whom you’ve stayed with, or dined with, you might want to
write a thank-you note. I can hear the screaming now, but it’s another
small thing that some people appreciate very much. Thank-you notes are
sometimes even written after job interviews. I didn’t believe it
either until I was told that was one of the reasons I was offered a
job. Just don’t write thank-you notes in e-mail.
That’s about it. There isn’t more because you’re both so nearly
perfect. I’m proud of you. You both have good hearts. Even if you make
a few blunders etiquette-wise, even if you’re caught on video making a
Carmen Miranda hat from a fruit plate at the White House, it’s clear
that your intent is kindness and appreciation, and that forgives
almost anything - anything except not coming around to hang with your
parents now and then.
(Editor’s Note: The columnist, Harriet Ritter of Madison, is active as
a volunteer with community organizations, notably the Madison Alliance
Against Substance Abuse.)